You're going to think I'm weird but...

I'm not sure how or where this post is going to go, but I feel that I need to write this.

When I wrote my very first blogger post here last year, I made a few references to my general inability concerning anything remotely girly, such as make up and hair. I also mentioned my hatred of mirrors.

Regular readers may or may not remember that I have just started counselling to help me exorcise some inner demons and bad times.

I've just had my third session and I think some things are definitely starting to make sense. I don't want to go into detail on here but I've experienced a LOT of disability prejudice and unpleasant episodes in my life because I happen to walk a bit differently to other people. (Don't worry, this isn't going to be a Disability Rights blog lol)

To cut a VERY long story short, at my secondary school we were allowed to wear a small amount of make up (discreet lipstick, a small amount of mascara, minimal foundation) when we started Year 9 (age 13-14). My friends and I were really excited about this and I can still remember us all piling into our local Boots store in the 6 week summer holidays with our saved up pocket money ready to raid the make up counters.

So anyway, first day of term arrived and we all went to school wearing our "discreet" make up, feeling very dignified and grown up. So far so good.

At morning break, we were queueing in the dinner hall for a snack from the tuck shop, and a group of boys from the year below emerged from the "shop" (really an ante room off the main hall). They knew one of my friends so stopped to chat. When we neared the top of the queue they left to go to their next class, and as they left one of them said "God, I don't know why Jo's bothered to wear make up cos nobody will ever fancy her anyway". One of the others replied, "Yeah it's not like people bother to look at her face anyway cos everyone always notices her legs" and the first boy said "Yeah, there's no point making her face look good really is there!!"

I honestly don't think they meant me to hear, and neither do I think that they knew that I did, but I was absolutely CRUSHED. One of my friends had heard them too and wanted to run after them to have a go at them, but I stopped her. What was the point? Everyone else must have thought the same.

And following that was the first time that I remember falling into some sort of depression. I started questioning everything about myself, my friends - were they friends with me because they felt sorry for me? Did they let me go make up shopping with them to humour me? No, of course not. Deep down I knew that they were my friends because they LIKED me, because I made them laugh, because we shared everything with each other. And make up shopping was no different. I was just Jo to them. They had mostly known me since Infant School and accepted me just how I was.

But in my mind, everything became distorted. Not that I ever told them. Actually, I didn't tell ANYBODY about the dinner hall incident until last Thursday when something during the counselling session triggered the memory. Neither does anybody apart from two close friends (and you if you're reading this) know about my mirror thing. No, to my friends, I carried on being Jo, acting the fool as usual and outwardly appearing happy. Inside I was crumbling.

I also stopped wearing make up. Of course, being 13 I used the excuse of Dad/Step-Dad "going mad about it" when I met my friends with a scrubbed face the next morning. I also stopped trying out hairstyles in front of the mirror... in fact I stopped looking in the mirror at all. Well, I perfected the glances to make sure my teeth were clean or that my brushed hair looked presentable, but that was it.

I think people thought that I wasn't interested in make up etc, but I was. I would spend hours looking at make up in shops, working out which colours would suit me etc. I pored over the beauty pages in Just Seventeen and Mizz magazines. I used my pocket money buying make up that deep down I knew I wouldn't use. And I tried, I really did. I would sit at my dressing table with all of my lovely products with the best intention of painting my face, but I just couldn't do it. I'd see my reflection and my stomach would churn. What was the point of me even trying anyway? UGLY, UGLY, UGLY. Yes, I know that sounds VERY weird about the mirror thing, because it IS very weird! I've never been able to explain it to myself let alone to anyone else.

You also have to remember that this was the 1990's. Girls weren't anywhere near as interested in make up etc then as they are now. Today, there is huge pressure to grow up so quickly. 9 year olds go out wearing full make up and nobody bats an eyelid. I don't know of a 13 year old who doesn't wear full make up, more often than not to school. When I was 13 we didn't have hair extensions. "Grown up" underwear for girl children and teenagers didn't exist. We didn't feel that we had to grow up before our time. It's an entirely different world now!

But back then, it wasn't weird if you didn't wear make up. Even with the popular group of girls, some did and some didn't, and it didn't really matter.

The strangest thing is that I had completely forgotten that the dinner hall thing had even happened. Obviously I know now that I hadn't forgtten it at all, just buried it deep in my brain somewhere.

Fast forward to 2009. I am now 31 years old and still haven't gotten over the make up/hair/mirror thing. I won't lie, I do wear make up to go out (not that I go often!), I sometimes wear mascara cos I have really stupid blonde eyelashes, but it depends on my mood. On exceptionally good days when I don't feel like the Elephant Woman I've worn full make up to work... probably about 5 times?? The worst thing was when I did wear make up to work, everyone commented and I hated it. I felt that they were mocking me, although of course they weren't. Just my stupid brain regressing back to 1992. I can look at my reflection for more than two seconds now but I am still hideous. (God knows how I have managed to have boyfriends and hold down relationships!)

Mum's family snapshots aside, I hate having my photo taken unless I am drunk, in which case I LOVE the camera!! I will never knowingly let anyone take a full-length photo of me unless it's at a family wedding or something.

But I don't blame those dinner hall boys at all. I am realising that I must have already had subconscious appearance issues long before that happened; it just brought it all to a head.

Also, I feel really stupid because I missed out on the whole teenage experimentation thing and because I kind of lived with my Nan and Grandad throughout my teens I didn't have anyone to learn from so I don't even really know how to apply it properly!! Or do hair properly!! (yeah I know, duurrrrrr!)

I've started feeling a bit better about myself over the last couple of months so started looking at tutorials on youtube (don't laugh!!), and one girl's channel in particular (Charity aka LadyCookieLuck) has made me feel a lot more positive about the whole thing. I found her channel by chance after looking for a hair curling video and then had a look at some of her videos - we seem to have the same sense of humour and I liked what she did so I subscribed (I'm not a crazy stalker-type person btw haha!) I have actually learnt how to apply liquid eyeliner and I have to admit I LOVE it along with mascara, although I get the guilts afterwards, also very bizarre!

On Thursday my counsellor suggested that I buy some make up, and that night I did something momentous (for me). I ordered some make up bits and bobs from ELF Cosmetics UK. The make up "guru's" that I subscribe to on youtube are raving about ELF stuff.

In case you haven't heard of ELF, it is a fantastic site and you must, must, must pay a visit. Not only is there a great range, but EVERYTHING COSTS £1.50!!!!! Yes, honestly. That includes brushes that have received better reviews than expensive high end products such as MAC brushes...

There is also a new Studio range offering better professional quality items, but even that range is £3.50!!! You can't go wrong really, can you?!

The best thing for me was that ELF products are also HYPOALLERGENIC!!! I have to be especially careful with lip products and have usually bought Boots No 7 glosses as they are always hypoallergenic, so to find cheaper alternatives is fantastic, especially because I don't wear it every day.

I didn't want to spend a fortune on everything in case I freak out and don't use it, so this site was a great find!

Apparently by avoiding fancy pots and packaging they reduce their overheads to be able to provide quality products at very affordable prices. The US site has much more than the UK site, but they are extending our range now, yippee!

Anyway, I ordered some make up bits and bobs from the normal £1.50 range as well as a couple of brushes from the Studio range. You get free delivery if you spend £30 or more (a respectable £2.95 otherwise), and yes I admit I spent £30 :/.

I ordered around midnight on Thursday and received my package this morning (Saturday), now that is GREAT service!! :D

I'm quite excited about it all now! Will post pics of my goodies tomorrow.... and I just realised something btw: I've been singing ELF's praises and I haven't even tried anything yet, how silly is that?! Oh well ;)

If you've read this entire post I congratulate you. Does it even make sense? I don't know. I haven't dared to read it back!

Thanks for bearing with me.

xx