In the beginning...

I’m really new to this blogging thing and don’t really know how to start, so instead of trying to think of something cool and interesting to write for the first one, here are some of my little secrets that don't really matter if I tell you seeing as none of you actually know me.

1. At the age of 30 I still can’t curl my hair at the back.

2. I can't put on eyeliner without it looking like it was done by a drag queen so I tell people I'm allergic to it. Which is entirely possible. I know I’m allergic to something.

3. I take paracetamol as a cure for everything: Headache, stomach ache, period pain, hunger, sadness. The list goes on and on.

4. I hate how I look because of my wobbly legs so I wear stuff that blends me into the background. Actually I’d REALLY love to wake up with the confidence to wear clothes that I want to wear e.g. short dresses etc like everyone else, but I can’t face the inevitable staring and laughing.

5. I didn’t eat beef or gelatine for eight years after the Mad Cow Disease fiasco.

6. I didn't know how to pronounce miu miu so I googled it. Ditto long words that I’ve been using when half the time I don’t know what they actually mean.

7. On a good day I actually enjoy walking but I don't want to lose face and give in to my family and friends after 30 years.

8. Sometimes I honestly believe something amazing is going to happen to me one day and my life will turn out perfect.

9. I dance and sing round my house when I'm alone.

10. I love the Harry Potter films so much that I have been known to stalk through the actors’ private pictures on Pottershots. And log into the Forum to read all of the bitchy comments. Great form of escapism!

11. I wish we lived in the good old days when men were men and women dressed as ladies.

12. Sometimes I suffer horribly with hypochondria and have spent many a miserable evening absolutely convinced that I have a serious health condition and am going to die alone, to be found a week later half-eaten by my cat.

13. I have a phobia of thunderstorms, which really annoys me. I’d love to watch the lightning show but instead am hiding under the duvet, or under the bed if the cat lets me. (I’ve tried hiding in the airing cupboard but I don’t fit what with the ironing board and hoover). Also, I leave a window open so that the thunderbolt can escape… don’t ask.

14. When I was younger I wanted to be a Meteorologist and used to read the weather map before the presenter did. My dad was impressed, anyway.

15. I can’t look at myself in the mirror because I’m so hideous.... yes I know that is strange but I can't help it.

16. I wish I could be entirely honest and tell my friends when they look dreadful instead of telling them that they look fine and smirking when they aren’t looking. (OMG that sounds sooo bad, I just don't like to upset anyone!)

17. I close my eyes and hold my breath when I close the curtains in case an axe murderer wearing a Scream mask jumps out of the darkness and knocks on the window.

18. I pass the time at work by having imaginary arguments with the office bitch and kick her down each time. In real life I mumble under my breath when she says something, kicking myself that I can’t say it out loud. I try, but I seem to have an inbuilt “mute” button where she is concerned. Most odd.

19. I’ve had such a weird fascination with Britain during WW2 since I was nine that I privately wonder if I died in the Blitz in my past life…

20. I daydream that I’m going to land a fab acting role and be able to stick two fingers up to anyone that’s ever laughed at me, bullied me, doubted me or told me that I’ll never do anything.

22. I’ve only been to London twice in my entire life. The first time was when I was eight and we went to the Zoo. I nearly fell off a camel. Scarred me psychologically for years. Second time was when I was 13 with my mum and step-dad… if Heathrow Airport counts then I’ve been three times, four including the return journey… but I’m digressing…

When we went to New York last year, we lied and said that we lived in Chelsea and were chauffeur driven everywhere. The people we met just accepted this as normality for English girls… worryingly. We didn’t mean to lie, it was just quite funny because the Americans we met kept asking us to say certain words repeatedly and talk to them because they loved our accents, and we got swept along with it all. We did feel slightly guilty, but it was v funny…