Crisis of confidence... bit of a deep one, this!

Hello again lovelies!

I'm getting kind of sick of listening to myself yet again apologising for lack of blog posts... I have so, so many planned posts, but strangely I find myself feeling somewhat timid about posting sometimes - do any of you understand that?

I currently have 12 followers and I appreciate you all so much - thank you xxx

When I started blogging it didn't enter my head for a second that anybody would actually read my scribblings. Heck, it took me about a month to figure out how to find another blogger's page hahaha! I kid you not...

The reason I created my blog in the first place was to keep a record of my life and everything in it. Hence why 90% of my earlier posts are very much about me and my life at that time.

But now that more lovely people are reading my blog and/or following my musings I kind of felt like I needed to blog to keep you all interested, but because my blog is neither one thing or the other I didn't know which direction I should steer it in so that you would continue to enjoy reading it. It was at that point that I started to feel as if I was losing my way.

I have to tell you right now that I'm not here to win hundreds of followers. Blogging to me is not a popularity contest. As much as I appreciate my followers, if nobody followed me I'd still blog, for me.

If more followers come, yippee! I would be a very happy girl. But it's not my sole purpose of blogging, you know? (OMG I hope that doesn't sound as bad as I think it does!)

To be honest I kind of panicked for a while. I'm not a beauty blogger. I mean, I have a nice little make-up collection which I LOVE, but I'm certainly not proficient enough in application or knowledge to create a blog about it.

I'm not super talented in... well, anything really. Apart from talking. I can talk for England. But this is a written blog..... so I'm screwed!

I'm a geek. As much as I love going out with friends I've pretty much left my hard partying days behind me and really enjoy being at home with Singstar, friends, copius amounts of alcohol and a pizza!

I'm now in my 30's and still love Harry Potter books for goodness sake! There is not much hope for me really ;)

I'm not super confident in myself and despite counselling still think that I look hideous. (Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a bitch!)

I work 9-5 and in between that, swimming commitments and seeing friends, there's not much time left for exciting adventures.

I have a disability that up until a year ago I could not acknowledge properly even to myself. Stupid really, because if you see me walk you can't miss it ;)

But, I thought, I have these followers now, so what do I write about? HELP!!

I love shopping, yes, I grant you that. I could maybe shop for England if my bank balance allowed (sadly it does not) but there are only so many shopping posts that I can force upon you without my blog turning into something that is not true to me. So that idea went out of the window.

Then it FINALLY dawned on me that you didn't follow me because I'm a beauty blogger, or because I go to all of these far-flung places and experience amazing things, or because of what I choose to spend my money on, or because of what I look like.

You follow me because (for whatever reason I cannot fathom) you like my blog just as it is.

So. The penny has finally dropped. I have decided to stop overanalysing everything and continue just being me. I'm going to stop being scared that you won't like me as I am and just... be me!

I'm not going to start blogging about what I think I should be blogging about. I'm going to blog about what I WANT to blog about. And sometimes, just sometimes, there's a difference between the two.

Yes, you'll still see shopping posts and more TAG posts simply because I love doing them... but I'm not going to be afraid anymore to let you see the real me shine through.

My blog won't change drastically. I have always blogged about things that are true to me. The same posts would still be here whether I have 0, 12, or 122 followers. Rather than write about things that were not really "me" just for the sake of blogging something, I decided to take a step back and that's partly why my posts have been thin on the ground of late.

I hope you'll stick with me and carry on reading (and if you've got this far into this post I congratulate you!!).

You guys are the BEST, seriously. You always take the time to leave me lovely comments and I speak to a couple of you on Twitter and facebook too (add me if you like), and between those mediums and your blogs it's great to get to know my followers and readers :)

Phew. Now that the weight's finally been lifted I can get this blog back on track.

TAG post, anyone? :)

xxxx

(photos from weheartit)