Fury from the skies!!!

outside my house this afternoon

We have just had an almighty thunderstorm here, crashing and flashing for the past hour! Poor Gizmo cat was fast asleep in his bed and ran to me in the sitting room crying and wide-eyed, poor little thing... though some tasty treats soon took his mind off it!

I have always had a lifelong battle with storms. One of my earliest memories is of my Nan (who was also scared of storms) rushing around covering up mirrors and opening windows "so that the thunderbolt can escape". Of course, I don't blame my dear Nan for my fear of storms but it is nice to know that other people get frightened of them too!

Storm anxiety for me is actually more like a phobia. My heart races, I can't catch my breath, I shake, experience feelings of fight-or-flight and generally feel very, very frightened. Irrationally, I convince myself that lightning will always find ME. Silly really but I can't help it. One term for the phobia is Astraphobia, which makes me smile because it sounds like I'm terrified of Vauxhall Astra's!

I would LOVE to be able to sit and watch a storm, as the drama of crashing thunder and the beautiful lightning show is quite something. Night time viewing has always been a no-no as the lightning freaks me out and my idea of hell is being woken in the middle of the night by a storm!

I even tried watching the storm just now as the lightning was still vivid in daylight, but I chickened out after a big flash and crash... oh well, one day!

It does infuriate me though as ironically I have always been interested in anything to do with the weather. When my friend Lisa and I went to New York we LOVED the Weather Channel. Why can't we have one here in the UK?!

I particuarly like tornadoes. Well, I say "like". To say that I find them fascinating is probably a better description. Obviously I feel sorry for the death and devastation that they cause every year, but I think that they are visually stunning.

I would really love to go storm chasing in the US but the combined problem of my storm phobia and CP means that I wouldn't be able to run quickly to the chase vehicles, so I'll never be able to go. I do enjoy watching tv documentaries on storm chasing and have found some amazing photos on the net. What a true GEEK I am!

There's always something awesome about the power of Mother Nature. However technologically advanced we may be, Mother Nature always has the last word.

xx

Day 5

Hello! Am very pleased to report that I am continuing to improve - had a good sleep for the second night running and woke to find that I didn't need paracetamol today for the aches which are still there, but it is bearable now as opposed to being so painful that I couldn't be without pain relief :)

My best friend Steph came over this afternoon to talk to me through the sitting room window (how common haha! Goodness knows what the neighbours think!). It was sooooo good to see her, and I am enormously relieved that she hasn't gone down with it too considering I was with her on Saturday when I first began to feel ill. I never would have forgiven myself.

I opened the big windows wide enough to feel the warm breeze and sun on my skin, and it was wonderful :)

The main thing I've noticed today is that I'm so TIRED! I find that I'm dozing off after the slightest exertion. I needed a nap after Steph left. Ditto after making a cup of tea and after eating a light lunch. I guess now that the major symptoms have gone my body is busy repairing itself and is preferring to do that while I sleep. (That doesn't explain why I am still up at this hour, I seem to be nocturnal lately!)

One very good thing about being nocturnal is that I have been keeping in touch with my Aunty Sue (who is also a night owl!). I have been scared to go to sleep for some reason and she has been amazing. I love my Aunty Sue - I really shouldn't say it but she is my favourite Aunty, she's so funny and I like her take on life.

I finish the Tamiflu tomorrow evening, and I am a wee bit concerned that I will start feeling ill again. If you haven't already noticed, I am a terrible patient / hypochondriac and if I spent less time worrying about being ill I'd probably recover a lot faster! My defence is that I live alone - nobody to bring me back down to earth when I irrationally start panicking! Anyway must think positive! I WILL go to Germany!!

It was my Dad's birthday today and I felt so guilty that he didn't even get a card from me due to incarceration. This has been a lesson to me. Next time there's a birthday coming up, buy the card a WEEK before the big event and post it at least five days beforehand!! Cover all eventualities!

Dad understood, of course, but that's not the point.

Tomorrow I'm planning on trying to finish "Dear Fatty", Dawn French's autobiography. If you haven't already read it, I totally recommend it. It's written in letter form to various loved ones so is really easygoing. I haven't laughed this much at a book in ages!

Next up is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which I am attempting to re-read, possibly followed by Twilight. I bought the first two books after Christmas but have yet to get around to starting. I must be the only person in the world not to have tackled them yet! Mind you, I didn't start reading the Harry Potter books until 2004... better late than never!

xx

Blonde moment...

I think I've broken something on my blog!!!

I have one follower, Amanda, :) but I have noticed that the Followers box on my blog (and every other blog) is empty although Amanda is still showing as a follower on my Dashboard..... perhaps I erased something when uploading my new background???

Hmmmm. Am clearly not proficient enough on Blogger yet to know how it all works! Thinking about it, it could be to do with when I upgraded to IE 8 yesterday??? Who knows!

**UPDATE** It all seems to be ok now!! Maybe it was a Blogger bug! :)

Today

Well, it's Day 4 of my swine flu journey and I'm pleased to report that I feel much better today!!

Slept wonderfully well. Didn't wake up once as far as I remember! Woke when Amanda rang me at eight (she has been wonderful) and we chatted for half an hour about the memorial, about how everybody was, about how we both were.

I got up - no headache today, result!! Realised that my body had mostly stopped hurting, just the tops of my arms and legs are aching today. Realised that I had more energy. Realised that the sun was shining. Realised that I was actually a little hungry. Realised that I had turned a corner.

And good things have happened today too which have made me smile:

Gizmo cat has been really soppy today and let me give him lots of cuddles.

Gail, my gardener, came this morning and we had a nice chat through the living room window. The smell of cut grass made me smile too!

My GP rang as arranged this morning to see how I was getting on and was really kind. He said I would be ok :)

I got dressed this morning for the first time since Saturday (obviously I wore clothes to the doctor's yesterday too!) and realised how much weight I have lost. My perfect fitting jeans are now so baggy that I can easily pull them down without unfastening them and my waist looks tiny. Obviously I don't recommend or advocate swine flu as a weight loss aid, but it made me smile this morning!!!

I plucked up the courage to ask my cousin Claire to fetch me a few bits and bobs (I HATE asking people for any kind of help) and then saw her briefly at the back door for a chat (she stood at a safe distance!!)

Claire brought me Heat magazine too :)

I logged into my Facebook and saw how many people had left me lovely comments, wall posts and inbox messages (I nearly cried, was so touched)

My dear, dear friend Kay sent me some texts and they really cheered me up. I think she's in London at the mo... miss her loads :(

My neighbour Debbie had sent me a lovely email and had also posted an Order of Service from Peter's memorial through the door... had a few tears over this I admit, but was so touched that she did that

I have a new layout for my blog! :)

My Auntie Jennie rang to see how I was. Mum had told her I was ill last night and she wanted to make sure I was ok. We had a lovely chat and she told me about her recent London - Paris sponsored bicycle ride in aid of the MS Trust (Auntie Jennie runs the MS Clinic at a local hospital) AND I found out that my cousin (Auntie Jennie's daughter) is expecting her second child in October!! She couldn't believe that I didn't already know.... I never get told anything lol!
 Had a lovely chat with my Daddy xx It's his 61st birthday tomorrow and I haven't been able to post his card. Guilt, guilt.... he understands though!

My lovely friend Jen rang to see how I was and we had fun talking about next week's road trip to Germany (have I written about that?!) and I enjoyed hearing the latest gossip :)

My neighbour Debbie and her daughter Laura came over to chat through the window, which was great and I really appreciated it. I've got to know them better over the past few weeks and they are a lovely family. We have a lot in common and I'm so pleased that we started talking! Laura has been reading my MO (Mass Observation) directives and ironically my current one is a swine flu diary so she knows how worried I had been about catching it!!

Laura popped over again to bring my MO folder back and also wrote me a lovely letter too. I LOVE letters and it was a fantastic letter :) Laura has lovely handwriting. Not fair!

Hopefully I'll continue to feel better now and at long last my blogs will become cheerful! One day it will be interesting to look back on my swine flu experience, so I am glad I have blogged it "warts and all"!


Most importantly, I realised that I am not alone in the world, even though I have felt as if I am for the last few months, and these last few days have been the loneliest I can ever remember. I have lots of people around who genuinely care for me, whether they are family, friends, neighbours, Gizmo cat or even people that I've "met" on the internet (such as Facebook friends) and don't really know. People care, and I am not alone. And it's the best feeling ever!

From my settee "bed": Gizmo cat at the window

Day 3

Yesterday (Tuesday) was terrible, I had a horrific headache and spent most of the day in bed.

Added to that all I could think about was Peter. His memorial service began at 11am after an "immediate family only" funeral service and burial, and I was so, so upset that I couldn't go. I felt as if I'd let him down, and as Peter was a prominent member of the local community and a District Councillor, it felt unfair that half of the town would be going (half of whom probably didn't even know him well) and I was stuck in bed even though I worked for him for the past nine years!

Even though I'm not really religious, I said a few prayers for him at 11am and said goodbye in my own way. One of the nicest things was that the rain stopped at 10:55am and again at 11:25am (when the family would have been leaving the Church). I had to smile... if anyone could have made the rain stop for the occasion it was Peter!! The rain then held off and the sun hazily broke through the cloud a while later and I thought that he must be being interred at that moment... and I learnt later that he was!! All sounds terribly twee I know, but I swear it honestly happened!

I crawled back onto the sofa at lunchtime and saw my neighbour Debbie leaving for the memorial service (she knew Peter through her work) and I really wanted to bang on the window and beg her to take me with her... but of course I didn't. I knew that I wasn't allowed to go, and although the realisation pained me, I also knew that I didn't feel well enough to go. So I had a few more tears, text my dear friend Lisa in Malta (miss her so much), and slept.

I woke up an hour or so later feeling refreshed from a heavy sleep and decided that I would drag myself up and attempt to tidy my bombsite of a kitchen. Although I'm quite a messy person - particularly leaving piles of newspapers and magazines in the lounge until I have a tidy-up on a Saturday morning - I do like to keep a clean and tidy kitchen, especially as I have my beloved Gizmo, my beautiful house cat. I'm always spraying everywhere with the Dettol antibac spray! I had a new kitchen fitted last October and I love it. Everything has it's place and I am quite particular about keeping it looking perfect as much as I can during the week until I have my Saturday morning deep-clean... aargh I'm waffling...!

Basically the kitchen was a big mess. Used mugs, glasses and cereal bowls littered the worktop next to the sink and were also stacked up in the washing-up bowl, half immersed in cold water from when I'd hurriedly rinsed everything and left it. There were bread crumbs all over the other worktop, I'd left the cereal box out, bread out, toaster out, microwave door open, Saturday evening's washing was still in the machine, soaking wet and probably going mouldy... I had never seen it in such a mess. It was as though a veil had been lifted and I was seeing the devastation for the first time... and I became aware of how ill I must have been feeling to have not seen it before nor cared!

So I started to prepare to wash up. Even before the hot water had filled the bowl, I was exhausted. My arms felt as if they had ten ton weights attached. Then, as I started to wash, it came over me. I couldn't breathe. It felt as if someone was sitting on my chest and I couldn't get a deep breath. The more I tried, the worse I felt and it really hurt my lungs.

Immediately I thought "complications!!" and was convinced that the dreaded pneumonia had struck. Sweating, I walked back into the sitting room and was further alarmed when it felt worse when I started to move. I rang my GP surgery with shaking hands and asked if my doctor could call me back. No, explained the receptionist. He could not. Swine flu telephone surgery is mornings only and in any case my GP was off that day. I asked if another doctor could call me and after a lot of huffing and puffing she said she'd see if he could.

About half an hour later the doctor rang and I almost cried down the phone as I explained the symptoms. He asked me if I could meet him in the swine flu surgery at 5:30pm so that he could check me over. (The swine flu surgery is held in a building in the surgery car park normally used for routine clinics but which is now exclusively for swine flu so that "well" surgery users wouldn't come into contact with the flu patients)

Privately this worried me more than anything. I thought that he would reassure me over the phone but I had to go to the surgery. Everyone knows that if you have swine flu you should stay home - crikey you even get diagnosed over the phone! Why did I have to go to the clinic? Did he think I was really ill too? For the next 45 minutes I was a bit crazy to be honest. I packed my big black handbag with random items - iPod, Dawn French autobiography, tablets, mint humbugs (?!)... I scooped up a protesting Gizmo and breathed in his fur that smelt faintly of washing powder (he had evidently been sleeping on the ironing pile again :/) and said goodbye. I rang my mum - no answer. I left a breezy "I'll call you back later" message but told her that I loved her at the end. I unplugged the air-freshener. I made the bed.

I went to the surgery and was met by a practice doctor. He asked me all kinds of questions about how I had been feeling and listened to my chest and back. He said he couldn't hear anything untoward and ruled out anything nasty (PHEW!!). At this point I began to feel extremely foolish, but he said it was normal to have such symptoms with any kind of Flu, and it simply told him that I'd been doing too much too soon. He also said that it was a very clear indication that I definitely did have swine flu as opposed to being a "maybe but we'll treat it as if it is". He listened very patiently as I manically told him about how I was so upset by the mugs, toaster, mess, wanting to hoover the house, being lonely, missing Peter's memorial... and finally he told me very kindly not to be so hard on myself, to ask others for help, importantly to REST and stop worrying and let my body recover in it's own time. He said that the Tamiflu should start to kick in over the next day or so and that I should feel much better at the weekend. Before I left he made me promise to go straight home and not to go and buy cream cakes (ha!). He was too kind really, considering I was a silly hysterical lurgy infected person and he had to disinfect the door handles after me...

Leaving the surgery I still felt ill, but also incredibly uplifted, and stood in the rain for a moment on purpose while hunting for my car keys in my giant hastily filled handbag. Then I remembered I'd put them in my coat pocket in my state of panic (durrr... looked up to see the Dr standing there looking at me... cringe!).

I was going home to my Gizmo cat, to my messy kitchen. My settee bed. Home. No ambulance. No hospital. No heart breaking goodbyes. At that moment I vowed never to take good health for granted again. It's too precious.

Swine Flu....

I honestly cannot believe that I have swine flu!!! Yes, you read that correctly! I feared it from the beginning and I have it....

It began on Saturday. I was feeling a little off colour when I woke up, having no appetite and a bit of a headache, although I didn't really think anything of it at first - I just carried on with the chores and then my friend Steph came round after lunch for a gossip. While she was here I began to feel a little queasy and hot, but brushed it off as nothing (I couldn't drink my hot chocolate either which in hindsight was a VERY bad sign!).

When she had gone home I thought that I must be feeling ill because I hadn't eaten all day, so I made myself some pasta - BIG MISTAKE! I won't go into the gory details but I had to rush straight to the loo as soon as I ate it... so there I sat, cursing a Saturday evening being ruined, then felt a bit better.

So I went into the sitting room and vegged out in front of the tv thinking it would pass (my eternal optimism never fails me!) but my back and shoulders started REALLY aching and I suddenly began to shiver and sweat. And I mean sweat. I had never experienced anything like it in my life.

I was supposed to be going to my Mum's the following day (yesterday) to look after my little sister while my mum and step dad attended a trade fair in Yorkshire. I wanted to feel better so that Olivia wouldn't end up being by herself... I told myself that an early night would do the trick and toodled off to bed.

I vaguely remember briefly waking up at dawn to find my nightclothes and bedclothes stuck to me (!). As soon as I woke up in the morning I KNEW that I wouldn't be able to go anywhere. I had to head to the loo very quickly where I was ill again, but that didn't trouble me half as much as the state of my body. EVERY muscle ached. Even my elbows and fingers hurt. If it wasn't so painful I'd have laughed at myself, because I was hanging onto bedroom furniture and doorways as if I was 90!!! I honestly don't know how I made it to the loo!! I had pain across my back when breathing, but it was very intermittent and I couldn't work out if it was muscular or something more sinister.

I still didn't think of swine flu though (!), because I had heard that it started with a fever and cough. I had no cough/cold symptoms at all but felt so ill and ached sooo much that I rang NHS Direct (an NHS helpline staffed by trained nurses and doctors).

I was on hold for 23 minutes listening to swine flu information messages and then I was cut off. Yes, I was ringing to speak to someone because I was feeling very ill and got cut off!!!! At this point I was finding it difficult to even hold the phone to my ear but pressed redial... 16 minutes later I spoke to a very nice lady who told me that she was 99% sure that it was swine flu, saying that they had seen a surge in people calling with the same symptoms from my postcode area. I wondered how it could be swine flu considering I had no head cold symptoms, and she said that people were either reporting fever with sore throats and coughs, or the runs and nausea. Evidently I was in the latter category. She said that a doctor would call me back but warned that it could take up to 40 minutes because they were overloaded with swine flu calls.

Ten minutes a male nurse called Graham phoned me (lovely Scottish accent!). He agreed that I had swine flu and he was great. He spent a lot of time reassuring me that swine flu was very mild in most people, and even though cerebral palsy can be classed as an underlying health condition, he said in my case I can almost disregard it, because I don't take medication and neither do I have any of the associated health problems. Apparently back pain when breathing was quite common with swine flu, and as I didn't have a cough or pains in my chest he said I should be fine, but to call back immediately if I started wheezing etc. He told me to avoid watching / reading any media coverage because it's all scaremongering, and he said that they (the staff) were annoyed that they were focusing so much on the sad deaths and disregarding the thousands of people who have fully recovered. He also said that the government had changed how they were dealing with swine flu now that so many have it, so were only giving Tamiflu to the high risk groups such as pregnant women, asthmatics, diabetics and those with underlying health conditions (not me!). He advised plenty of fluids (ice lollies if I couldn't face lots of water), food such as soup, paracetamol NOT ibuprofen as I had an upset stomach, and rest. He said that I should contact my GP in the morning to let him know I'm a suspected case.

The rest of yesterday passed in a blur. I carried my duvet and pillow into the sitting room and made a bed on the settee (like when I was little!) so I could watch tv, and went to get a glass of water. Even that totally exhausted me. I remembered that I hadn't unloaded the washing machine the previous night because I was ill, but I couldn't even do that.

I made it back to my improvised bed and rang Mum, who had just arrived in Yorkshire. She immediately knew I wasn't right and couldn't believe it when I told her that it was suspected swine flu. Then I phoned my cousin Claire who lives nearby, to ask her to bring me some paracetamol (typical, I had boxes of unused ibuprofen but no paracetamol left!). Then I rang my neighbour Debbie to let her know, just in case she was going to pop round.

I must have slept after this, because it was around 9:30am when I rang NHS Direct and suddenly the EastEnders omnibus was on. I felt a little better and rang my little sister to apologise that I wasn't there when she got up. She said that Mum and Daddy had told her that I probably had swine flu and asked if it was true. When I said yes she was quite upset, because she had heard that everyone was dying from it, but I managed to convince her that I was ok, and she seemed to accept that and we chatted about normal things. I microwaved myself some soup and it went straight through me :( so just kept topping myself up with water.

The remainder of yesterday was spent sleeping, sweating and aching! I frightened myself when nightfall approached, because I felt so very ill, and was scared that something would happen to me if I went to bed (seems silly now!). I woke on the settee at 3am. The room light was on and the curtains still open. All I could think was "OMG what if someone saw me sleeping?!" Staggered to bed and slept until 8am this morning when I was woken by my work colleague Amanda ringing to see if I was ok.

I was relieved to realise that my fever had gone down and the diarrhoea had subsided - both making me feel instantly much better.

I rang my doctor's surgery and the receptionist said that my GP would ring in the next hour as part of his swine flu telephone clinic. Half an hour later he rang, and was so kind (my doctor is great anyway!), he spent ages talking me through everything. He said that they were no longer testing for swine flu but from my symptoms he would say that I definitely have it and was typing me a Tamiflu prescription for collection. The drug is still being issued to every symptomatic person in my area. I was warned that it may make me vomit or very nauseous, but this should calm down after the first dose and if affected I MUST persevere with it. He asked me to call him back on Wednesday so he can monitor how I am doing, but I could call back in the meantime if I have any concerns.

The bad news is that I am not allowed to go to Peter's memorial service tomorrow :(. I was hoping that I may be able to as I am not coughing or sneezing, but no, this is out of the question. I am in quarantine (or "house arrest" as my Dr jokingly called it) for the next 5 days. Obviously I know that it would be selfish to go and put everyone at risk, but a tiny part of me hoped that I'm not that infectious. And I really want to say goodbye...

So no memorial. DEVASTATED.

And to top it all off, my body still aches and the Tamiflu is making me feel as sick as a dog. I mean seriously nauseous. I'm bored of bread so think I'll try rice pudding and hope that helps (haven't the energy or inclination to cook anything).

Hopefully I'll stop moping about soon too! It's just that it's so horrible having this when you live alone. Feeling ill and lonely is not good!

Take care and stay healthy my dears! Am off to microwave some rice pudding, give myself a stern talking to and try and paint that smile back on!

xx

Sad heart, empty brain...

Have you ever felt so swamped by emotion that you can't actually begin to describe it? When your head feels so full that you can't even pick out a single thought? (Or even write about them lucidly?) Well, it has been one of those weeks for me.

On Friday 3rd July, someone very dear to me passed away suddenly. This person wasn't related to me but his passing has affected me deeply. I am privileged to have known him, and he will be very sadly missed and never forgotten.

This is a poor tribute a truly great gentleman, but I am lucky enough to have no regrets for sentiments felt but never said - he knew how much we loved him, and were in no doubt of his feelings towards us (purely platonic on both sides I hasten to add!!)

R.I.P Peter xxx